As a former 250lb heavyweight wrestler, I know a thing or two about lifting and moving heavy things – like shaved silverbacks.
I’ve also seen every manner of gym and locker room behavior and pretty much know proper etiquette – whether that means how to perform a proper squat or know when to allow my dong to hang around in the locker room and knowing when to curtail the naked calisthenics.
- If you are 6 foot, 110 lbs and you are dead-lifting as much as the 5’3″ 200lb Butterball-with-a-head next to you, I know a good spine specialist you should contact.
- If your biceps are bigger than your head, but you still arch your back like you just got donkey punched to perform a bicep curl – you’re working on the wrong muscles.
- If your neck is thicker than your your calves – shave your head and you have a ready made halloween costume.
- If your back curls AT ALL during a squat – get out of the rack and stop wasting my time. Go back to machine weights.
- DON’T CURL IN THE SQUAT RACK.
- If you are using machines and the weight stack slams at the end of each rep – punch yourself in the nuts, if you have them- if not, find a suitable replacement.
- If you are weight lifting to look like this - you are compensating, and remember, proportionally, you are only hurting your cause.
- Being naked in the locker room is OK. Being naked while stretching, reading the paper, or exposing your anus unnecessarily is not.
- Never do your bicep curls RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING DUMBBELL RACK – I will end you.
- The mirror is for checking FORM, not to check to see if your big boy hairs have come in yet.