A journey through life, often on two wheels.

Gym Tips from a Former Heavyweight Wrestler

As a former 250lb heavyweight wrestler, I know a thing or two about lifting and moving heavy things – like shaved silverbacks.

I’ve also seen every manner of gym and locker room behavior and pretty much know proper etiquette – whether that means how to perform a proper squat or know when to allow my dong to hang around in the locker room and knowing when to curtail the naked calisthenics.

Some guidelines:

  1. If you are 6 foot, 110 lbs and you are dead-lifting as much as the 5’3″ 200lb Butterball-with-a-head next to you, I know a good spine specialist you should contact.
  2. If your biceps are bigger than your head, but you still arch your back like you just got donkey punched to perform a bicep curl – you’re working on the wrong muscles.
  3. If your neck is thicker than your your calves – shave your head and you have a ready made halloween costume.
  4. If your back curls AT ALL during a squat – get out of the rack and stop wasting my time. Go back to machine weights.
  5. DON’T CURL IN THE SQUAT RACK.
  6. If you are using machines and the weight stack slams at the end of each rep – punch yourself in the nuts, if you have them- if not, find a suitable replacement.
  7. If you are weight lifting to look like this – you are compensating, and remember, proportionally, you are only hurting your cause.
  8. Being naked in the locker room is OK. Being naked while stretching, reading the paper, or exposing your anus unnecessarily is not.
  9. Never do your bicep curls RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING DUMBBELL RACK – I will end you.
  10. The mirror is for checking FORM, not to check to see if your big boy hairs have come in yet.

One response

  1. #5 is a must know for anyone training at a gym. I’m fortunate enough to go to a gym with 3 racks and only 5 rules; one of which is “Don’t Curl In The F-ing Racks!” And still from time to time I see morons doing this!!

    March 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

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