Changing the focus of this thing around a bit. Actually, changing the focus of everything in my life around a lot bit.
I’ve spent the last month or putting all my spare energy and time into working on myself. Exploring issues that I’ve struggled with in my life, brought into my relationships, and generally trying to improve my interaction with the world around me.
Some profound events have happened in my life in the past 6 months. The passing of my father, relationship issues, family and work demands….they’ve all made me refocus what I value out of life and myself.
I’ve not brought my best to my relationships and to myself for a long time now. I’ve struggled with issues of codependency and anxiety/depression. By not owning these behaviors, I’ve cheated myself. And by cheating myself, I’ve not given those around me what they deserve from me.
This is an incredibly painful realization for someone who sees himself as driven, but I’ve always been driven by a select few motivators, rather than being driven just to be the best me. I can no longer not strive to be the best me. I can no longer risk looking back on a short life and not have learned how to derive happiness and fulfillment from within.
I’ve been reading many books. Lost art of Listening, Codependent No More, People I want to Punch in the Throat (for comedic relief), Awakening the Buddha Within….. and actually been practicing applying these concepts to my every day life (very fucking hard). And what I’ve learned is, when I focus on the moment, when I step back from myself and accept what is happening now, when I acknowledge and accept my emotions…I can live free from attachment. I act without my emotions forcing me to react. I can enjoy relaxing. I can enjoy the company of myself. This allows me to bring ME to the world around me, rather than trying to let my environment tell me who I am. That feels like happy and I hope it feels like happy to those around me.